There's a place I like to go
in the north woods, fresh with melted snow,
Where sun and rivers replace roads and lights,
and silence prevails over days and nights.
Where freedom grabs me like a current.
I choose to be here, all alone
in this forest far from home.
Isolated from friends and family
without comforts nor amenities
But am I truly by my lonesome?
I sense a presence in the air;
I look, I feel, I touch, I hear.
I begin to notice the commotion
of life flowing around me like an ocean.
In these small signs of life, I find company.
Hi Ben, I thought all three poems were well done. In the first short poem I would drop everything in the first line except the first two words. In the second poem I would take out a few of the weaker words, like prepositions and conjunctions, and rely more on the visual images. I like the whole conceit of getting drunk. You could actually use this more. I thought you relied too much on rhyme, but this is my personal taste. I would drop "Cup" in the last line in favor of "glass." The last poem was good too, but again I thought you could make your lines denser by dropping some of the expected sentencey words. We can talk about it in class. In the first line, for instance, you could drop "I like to go" and revise the line as "There's a place in the north woods." Not a bad first line. Instead of "replace roads and lights" you could have "where rivers are roads, and sun is light." I liked the whole idea of the conventional "silence" suddenly becoming the exact opposite. You could work this in a bit more. dw
ReplyDeleteBen,
ReplyDeleteI like this poem a lot. It captures the feeling of being in nature well and the setting is easy to picture. I think you could add to it and make it longer by adding in more about the setting... Like things he sees and things he does. Just a suggestion. Oh and "by my lonesome" could be changed to simply "alone" to help the poem read more smoothly. Great job!